I got to talk to Lynn a few weeks ago. She's not doing well.... but doing as well as she can possibly be under the circumstances. We talked for about an hour... she is staying in Honduras to finish what they had started to do.. to fill their dream. She is so strong... I could never do that on my own. I don't know that I could handle what she's going through on my own. She said that before Doc died he wrote her a letter... telling her how much he loved her and how proud he was of her.... that he knew he was going to die. Although that sort of makes it easier.... it doesn't. Does that make sense? I'm sure that was sort of a calming knowledge to know your fate (for him). But for us... those of us left here? That doesn't really help us. But... like Lynn said... its not about us... its about him.

Since his death I've been re-thinking lots of things. I quit AIU. I know that wasn't the right place for me. I still haven't found a good job yet.... I have a few prospects... nothing final yet. I've been working temps, doing my ebay and Partylite... with a little help from my parents to pay the bills. What do I do now? I've been asking myself that every day... all day... what do I do now? Am I really happy doing what I'm doing? Am I making the right decisions? Will things get better? It seems like everytime things seem they may get a little better... something worse happens. I've been questioning my faith... religion and God in general. And... I won't even lie... I'm angry with Him. For selfish reasons, of course... they always are. I've talked to people about these things but there is nothing anyone can say that will help. It's between me and Him. Somewhere deep inside I still believe.... its just that I don't understand how and why... and right now i'm finding it hard to have faith.

I'm also wondering if all the things i've been doing to prepare myself for life was a waste of time. Have I made the right decisions? The right preparations? Is this really what is best for me? Is this the right way? I don't know... maybe sometime I will understand.